Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
