i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
