I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Randomize
