I'm so fucking centered right now
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
You are the jesus of drinking
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
