im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
