I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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