Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
