Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Randomize
