It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
