The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
