I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
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