maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Randomize
