All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
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