Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Randomize
