Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
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