So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
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