My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Randomize
