Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Randomize
