i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
