I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Everyone says I win the strip club
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
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