I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Randomize
