She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Randomize
