ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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