I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
