so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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