i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
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