cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
