I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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