Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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