I'm eating all of the evidence.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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