It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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