Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Is Oprah even human
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Randomize
