i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
