You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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