Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
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