Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize
