I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
