brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
