I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize
