i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
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