I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
