you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Randomize
