I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Randomize
