he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Well I just put wine in my tea
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
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