she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Randomize
