im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Randomize
