i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
What happened to fro yo and sex?
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
Randomize
