Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
They should really pass out barf bags in church
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Randomize
