Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
