you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
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